


the Baby Assignment(TM)

by whatsanaccounttoagod



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angry Peter Parker, Gen, Possession, RealCare Baby 3, Sleep Deprivation, Swearing, The Author Regrets Everything, Vomiting, Yelling At A Fake Baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 02:12:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17479265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatsanaccounttoagod/pseuds/whatsanaccounttoagod
Summary: Peter has to take care of a simulated baby.That may or may not be possessed.





	the Baby Assignment(TM)

**Author's Note:**

> i found this in my drafts and im just gonna post it like this because why not
> 
> based off my experience with it
> 
> also for the record theyre using the realcare baby 3 that thing is terrifying
> 
> tw for lots of cussing at/yelling at a fake baby, like, i guess it could be considered child abuse but like... idk? hes not like shaking or hitting or hurting it hes just very grumpy do not take away peters sleep

Peter had spent less than five minutes in the compound, and both he and Tony already hated the creepy, computerized baby doll the younger had brought over.

"It's required. Ugh. It freaks me out." Peter once again moved the somewhat-sentient piece of plastic to a nearby location. "Figured I might as well get it over with."

Tony quickly figured out that this baby seemed to go off on a certain pattern. Immediately after "waking," it usually wanted to be held. Feeding times usually had a burping right after, and diaper changes would come one after another. It was more active in even than odd hours, and seemed to sleep for an hour or two between sets.

Once Peter finally got the "baby" to settle down, he glanced over at the baby. "Hey, was her head like that before?"

Tony glanced over and met its eerie, unblinking eyes. "I don't know. Did you burp it recently? Maybe it got turned then."

"Maybe."

A few minutes later, it giggled.

Peter took no time at all to attach to the ceiling, leaving Tony to fend for himself against this terrifying baby.

"What the fuck?" he yelled, a gauntlet already formed around his hand.

After a few minutes, they warily settled back into the movie.

"Would you mind watching her for a second?"

"Yes." Tony glared at him. "She's creepy as fuck."

"Can't argue there." Peter picked up the carrier, and the "baby" made a noise like it was about to cry. When he set it down, it stopped.

"Pete, why is it still staring at me?"

By now, the baby had completely changed positions. Despite the carrier being turned around, she still faced Tony, and he swore her arm was down before…

Peter dashed off with her and quickly came back, hyperventilating. "Do you think she's possessed?"

Tony was a man of science. He was also perfectly ready to admit that some things simply could not be explained by pure science and that supernatural beings may, in some way, exist. "Maybe."

When it cried a few minutes later, Tony shook so badly he couldn't hold onto the remote. "Peter? Can you-"

"Yeah. I… I got it." It didn't take super-sight to notice the way Peter's hands trembled as he quickly rotated through the available options, finally settling on the diaper.

After another diaper change, a feeding, and a 20-minute burping, the pair clung to each other.

"Do you believe in the supernatural? Like, for real?" Peter whispered.

"More of a soft 'there is shit that cannot be explained and I wouldn't be surprised' than a solid belief."

"So you could be a real life ghost hunter."

"I'm not desperate, kid."

After a while, Peter forced Tony to go to bed. "I'm fine. I've got her."

* * *

 

The next morning, Peter clearly did not "have her."

Sure, she remained in her carrier… in a brightly-lit room several feet away from him, webshooters at the ready.

"Mis'r Star'? C'n you…" He shook himself to some semblance of awareness. "Can you watch her while I shower?"

Tony glared at the possessed baby doll but reluctantly took the alternate wristband. "Did you sleep at all last night?"

"Yeah, around three. I Googled the schedule list and figured out which one she was on and caught a couple hours. It reset at 6 AM, so if she goes off, let me know."

Luckily, she didn't go off that morning at all.

* * *

 

"You aren't supposed to go off!" Peter yelled at the crying baby. "Your next scheduled care event isn't until after five!"

A quick glance at the schedule list revealed that he misread it while sleep-deprived and terrified of this demon child.

"God fucking dammit!"

"Is everything okay?" Ned asked over the phone. "Don't be so mean to her!"

"I lost my patience when I realized how long sixty fucking hours is without sleep or Spider-Man! Wait,  _ fuck _ , do these things have microphones?"

"She's just a baby," Ned appealed, trying to calm Peter down.

"She's not a baby! Real babies are fucking tolerable despite all the shit they put you through! This is a possessed piece of robotic plastic that keeps fucking  _ staring at me _ !"

Tony walked in, witnessed Peter angrily screaming while feeding said possessed piece of robotic plastic, and walked back out. An angry Peter was not something the genius cared to witness for an extended period of time.

Note to self: do not deprive the spiderling of sleep for extended periods of time.

* * *

 

"Kid?"

The retching paused long enough for Peter to gasp, " _ Fuck _ ," before continuing.

"Do I need to sign you out of school today?"

"No! No. Just drank too much coffee."

"Wh-  _ Peter. _ "

"I'm fine, Mr. Stark!" He retched a few more times. "Besides, if I don't go to school today, I can't give that stupid piece of shit back," he muttered.

Tony just shrugged. "If I hear anything about you being sick, I'm coming to get you."

After a few minutes, Peter left the bathroom and whispered, "Fair enough."

* * *

 

Peter, luckily, did not throw up, pass out, or do any other spectacularly embarrassing things during school.

He did, however, manage to be late for school because she went off  _ the moment he stepped outside the Tower _ . Thank God his first hour teacher had stopped giving a shit three months ago and simply waved him in.

* * *

 

"I think you should see this."

Tony didn't know what to expect when he followed Happy to the car, but a gently sleeping Peter wasn't it.

"What do you need me for?"

"I dunno what to do with a kid. Do I wake him up? Let him sleep? God forbid, carry him in?"

"...I don't know. Dare we ask FRI?"

"She'll tell Pepper."

"Fuck."

**Author's Note:**

> yes i did do pretty much all of this
> 
> it was terrifying
> 
> yes i stayed awake for almost 60 hours straight, yes i had to deal with the freaky terrifying noises, yes i set her on one side of a room and went on another with the lights on and crowbar at the ready, yes i threw up from caffeine intake, and yes it made me almost miss the bus because it went off right as i was leaving to go catch the bus and sadly "trying to get on the bus" is not a valid excuse to neglect baby.


End file.
